Welcome to the first of a new series
where we get behind the wheel with a well known celebrity. This week, it's the turn of
utility player, club captain and Burnley's Mr Charisma, Jamie Hoyland.
Well, here we are at the wheel with Jamie. Hello
Jamie.
Hello.
So you're all set to take us out for a drive in
this, your Fiat Panda. Erm, nice little motor. Had it long?
Yeah, since about, er Tuesday, no, Wednesday. Before
that I had a Ford Mondeo for a couple of days, before that a Vauxhall Cavalier, er, hang
on, that was last Friday, I think there was some kind of Nissan in between.
Well, off we go then.
OK.
Erm, left Jamie, LEFT SIDE. LEFT! LEFT!
Sorry. Can never seem to remember that bit.
Slow slow SLOW DOWN! SHIT! WATCH THAT... FOR
CHRIST'S SAKE SLOW DOWN!
Got any questions to ask me?
Er, yeah, so, you live in, er, Buxton, yeah?
That's right.
So how do you find travelling from there to Burnley
every day? Must get to be a bit of a drag for, what, a couple of hours of a training
session?
Half an hour.
Half an hour? Erm, zebra crossing here Jamie. ZEBRA
CROSSING!
Where? Oh, I'll stop at the next one. Them black and
white things, eh? Yeah, well, I didn't mind so much, because, you know, I enjoy driving,
obviously. Driving and football, those are probably my two greatest talents. In that
order. So...
Roundabout. ROUNDABOUT JAMIE!
Wheeeeeee! I love roundabouts, me. Going round in
circles. I could do that all day. But where were we?
AAAAAAGH!
I said where were we?
Erm, er, yes, er, the drive from er...
Buxton? Well, it was getting a bit of a drag in the
end. Same old scenery. I like something to look at while I'm driving, me. What's that
saying? The grass is always greener on the other side of the road? So I stopped going.
Stopped going?
Yeah, no-one seemed to mind. Seemed a bit of a waste of
time to be honest. Not as if we ever did much when we were there.
So you have a lot of spare time.
Yeah, get behind the wheel, burn some rubber, feel the
rush of the wind in your hair.
But this isn't an open top is it?
Could be. Could be arranged. Depends which way up you
end up, eh?
Is that supposed to be a joke?
I find a sense of humour is a very important asset in a
captain's job like mine.
And er, hang on, that's red. THAT WAS RED! SHIT!
WATCH OUT!
Relax. I'm simply exerting my calm authority over the
other traffic on the road. Captain's nature and all that. Wahey!
CHRIST! GOD! THIS IS IT. WE'RE GOING TO DIE. OH GOD!
Any more questions or is that it?
YES! I'VE GOT A QUESTION. I've got a question. DID
YOU SEE THAT VAN BACK THERE? DID YOU SEE IT?
What van?
THAT BLOODY VAN!
Now hang on a minute, if you're saying...
IT'S A WALL! IT'S A SODDING WALL! WATCH OUT FOR THAT
WALL! SHIT!
C R A S H !
It's alright. I had it covered. I saw it coming and I
took evasive action. Are you alright?
Er, nothing broken, I think. Reverse out, eh? We
need to reverse.
Oh, going backwards, my favourite. Here we go. Right.
I'll see what the damage is. (Stops the car. Gets out. Returns.) Nothing much. Indicators
are knackered though.
You'll have to make hand signals then.
Hand signals?
Yeah, you know. Point. Gesticulate.
Point? Gesticulate?
Right, forget it. I'll do it. You'll just have to
shout if you see anything coming.
Shout?
No, no. I'll, erm, I'll tell you later. Some other
time. Off we go again.
Right. (Starts the car.)
Fasten your seatbelt Jamie. Jamie. JAMIE FASTEN YOUR
SEATBELT. PLEASE!
Seatbelts are for cissys. Men without bottle and bad
drivers. That's who need 'em.
OK, OK. Fine. So, er, where are we headed now. Out
of town isn't it?
That's right. Out over the tops. Barrowford to
Barnoldswick.
That's the narrow, er, twisty turny sort of road
with lots of bends and blind corners, is it not?
Yeah. A truly great road. A potentially difficult spin
but nothing for a driver of my not inconsiderable talents. Here we go!
THAT'S IT! STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!
S C R E E C H !
NO! NOT HERE! NO! Next time it's convenient. Just, at a
bus stop or somewhere. Or a pub. Yes, a pub. I need something to steady my nerves.
Oh well that's where you and I differ. Nerves are for
amateurs. (Squeal of tyres. Car starts moving again.)
So Jamie, would you say your approach to driving and
football are the same?
Well, that's a good question. You know, I like to
think...
A SHEEP! OH MY GOD IT'S A SHEEP! SHIT! THAT WAS A
SHEEP!
Yeah, looked like. (Stops car again. Gets out.)
I think it's dead. It must be dead.
Yep, sure enough. It's a gonner. That's a pity. Never
mind. Hey, what're you doing?
No, it's alright. I can walk from here.
You sure?
Yeah, honestly, I'm fine. I, erm, I, I need the air.
Yes the air. I'll just walk from here and you can drive. Er, no, second thoughts, why
don't you set off first and then I'll start walking. I'll just stand in this field over
here, out of the way.
Well, if that's what you want to do.
Yes, I've made my mind up. Just one last thing. Is
there anywhere round here I can maybe get a taxi home from?
You know, as luck would have it we're right next to
Kurt's farm. I'm sure Kurt wouldn't mind giving you a lift home. Hello? You alright?
Why've you started lying down in that field? Hello? Hello?
Jamie Hoyland was
talking to Jeremy Clarkson
1996
