Firmo said that we women are under-represented
in the match report department. Well, I couldn’t let a challenge like that pass
unheeded, could I?! So, that must be why I am on a dirty, draughty train at the ungodly
hour of 05:30, scribbling frantically into a notebook. Insane? You bet. Still,
there’s plenty to keep me occupied as the train crawls along. Will Little play today?
Will Payton rediscover his form? How many will United bring to the Turf? Is it true that
Marcus Bent is suspended today? Will the shambles that passes for a rail service get me
there by kick-off? Oh, and the nagging question that has now become a permanent fixture in
the back of my mind: will today be the day that the bubble finally bursts?
I won’t bore you with the details of the journey to Burnley. Suffice
it to say that it took an extremely large number of hours, enlivened only by the usual
opportunities to donate cash to other people in Woody’s various sweepstakes (what
time will the train arrive in Preston? What will today’s attendance be? How come I
never win any of these competitions?). Only with sterling assistance from Cozzo’s
sister were we able to make kick-off. The luxury of car travel did however enable us to
hear some pre-match Radio Lancs comment from Stan. Apparently we have four players each on
four yellow cards – a bit of a worry. Stan’s take is that refs are being forced
to dish out bookings to please the "faceless people upstairs", which will result
in a number of unnecessarily harsh suspensions – a valid point of view, surely? He
also praised his players for their performances so far, and indicated that the booking
situation wouldn’t cause any change in approach to the game.
Burnley lined up as follows: Nick the Greek, the Holy Trinity, Weller,
Briscoe, Mellon, Ball, Johnrose (Paul Cook having apparently picked up an injury), Payton,
Branch. Subs: Crichton (unlucky not to start, surely?), Cooke, Little, Jepson, Mullin.
Sheffield United: Tracey, Uhlenbeek, Quinn, Murphy, Curle, Devlin,
Montgomery, Brown, Woodhouse, Kelly, D’Jaffo. Subs: Sandford, Talia, Santos, Ribeiro,
Smith.
Referee: Graham Laws. (How many of these Laws fellows are there? Are they
being cloned somewhere? I think we should be told!)
United kicked off and there was some early excitement with a corner each
early on. Branch and Mellon looked up for it, and Super Mitchell Thomas was getting a lot
of the ball on the right. Thomas put in a lovely cross for Payton, who should have done
better with the header. Then came a real chance. Payton one-on-one with Tracey, and should
have taken him on, but decided instead to go round him. The inevitable happened: one of
their defenders got back and instead of celebrating 1-0 we were disappointedly cheering
another corner. Oh well – at least Payton was looking lively again. United’s
front players – three (Kelly, D’Jaffo and Devlin) up at times – looked
energetic, with Devlin the pick of the bunch. Wish he’d come to Burnley (OK – so
I say that every time I see a half-decent opposition player!).
The rest of the half passed without anything too exciting. The Clarets
definitely seemed to be on top, with Tracey already resorting to a bit of time-wasting.
Any threats from United’s front men were snuffed out effectively, with Davis in
particular covering well and anything else easily dealt with by the impressive NTG (and
only one heart-stopping mix-up today!). We had several offside decisions against us,
probably due to the fact that the linesman in question had had not only his eyes but also
his brain removed. Strangely, this seems to cause a peculiar condition known as flagitis,
where the person is compelled to periodically wave one arm around for no particular
reason. The Longside gave him plenty of stick, but since he’d doubtless had his ears
removed as well this probably didn’t trouble him unduly. D’Jaffo managed to put
in a terrible tackle on Thomas, catching him after the ball had gone. He was
yellow-carded, but seemed to think that Thomas had dived (how dare he think that?),
and the resulting argument carried on for some time afterwards. Later on, the excellent
Kevin Ball was caught up in an incident with Devlin. Yellow cards for both – I
believe that takes Ball to five yellows, which is bad news. At least we have Johnrose
(having a good game) and, hopefully, Cook available to cover.
Sheffield came back a little later in the half, but we continued to defend
well. Around the half-hour mark and from a Mellon corner, Johnrose had a good chance but
shot wide when it would have been easier to score. The rest of the half passed without any
undue excitement. Two minutes of stoppage time and fingers crossed for the second half!
Time to enjoy the half-time "entertainment". OK, I concede that
the new Bertie Bee is quite good, and it’s nice to see the youngsters having their
penalty shoot-outs. But have you ever seen anything quite as tacky as the Golden Gamble?
Also, the announcer at the Turf really gets on my nerves. Most of the time he appears to
be half asleep. Perhaps he should apply for a job as a linesman or something...
Time for the second half. Burnley kicked off and quickly earned a corner.
Mellon put a dangerous ball in and things looked good for a second – until someone
breathed on Tracey and he fell to the ground as if pole-axed. Free kick to United. Shortly
afterwards, Weller had a good chance to put a useful ball through, but kicked it far too
hard. I found him a bit disappointing today – as over the past few games. Anyway, God
doesn’t allow Burnley supporters to relax, and United seemed to be gaining momentum.
Uhlenbeek was coming into the game and getting lots of possession, much as Thomas had done
during the first half. A shot from Kelly was well handled by NTG, but the warning signs
were starting to show.
Then a murmur went round the ground. Little was getting ready to come on!
Great! He replaced Weller and we all started to wonder if he’d provide the key to
scoring the elusive first goal. However, there was no need! Shortly afterwards, their No.
3 (Quinn) handled in the penalty area. Penalty! Up stepped Andy Payton. Time to chew those
fingernails down a bit more... But we needn’t have worried. Payts took an absolute
blinder of a shot, shooting hard to the keeper’s right. 1-0!!
We kept up the pressure and it was only relieved when Tracey (wily old
fox) fell to the ground after a "clash" with Johnrose. However it didn’t
disturb our concentration, and shortly afterwards Little’s brilliant long through
ball found Payton by way of Mellon – but again, Payton wasted the chance, shooting
straight at Tracey (who had of course made a remarkable recovery).
Sheffield had a couple of chances themselves: D’Jaffo (who had looked
quite good in the first half) shooting over, and Davis and NTG being kept generally busy.
But we weren’t on the back foot for long, and soon Branchy was away, only to be
brought down by Uhlenbeek. Yellow card – maybe that would restrict him a bit. Branchy
may have been disappointed then, but this would soon be forgotten as he then put in a
brilliant cross from the right, which Payton met perfectly. 2-0!!
This seemed to wake United up again and they responded with a triple
substitution, Kelly replaced by Ribeiro, Quinn replaced by Smith and Montgomery by Santos.
They pushed hard for the remainder of the half, with the defence and NTG kept on their
toes. One tip-over in particular from NTG was top-class. I feel guilty that I ever thought
Crichton should come back in! Slowly the doubts started to surface, though. The
still-impressive Devlin was causing problems and I could sense trouble. Still, we held
them off – even managing to have some possession ourselves.
On around 80 minutes Jepson replaced Branchy. I have nothing but
admiration for Rocket Ronnie – an example to us all of what can be achieved with
minimal talent and maximum application – and indeed, since it was pointed out that
his shorts are way too tight, my appreciation of him has increased further. Anyway,
dragging my mind out of the gutter and back to the game... Johnrose won a free kick in a
good position and for a moment it looked like we might make it 3-0. Little made a
brilliant run which was ended only when (seemingly) half the United team surrounded him.
Payton was replaced by Mullin, and we started to relax. Indeed, Little was so relaxed that
he managed to miss the simplest of chances from a few yards out! But of course, we are
talking about Burnley, after all, so it was no surprise when we managed to give away a
stupid penalty in stoppage time. Briscoe played Cox into trouble, and he in turn brought
down Devlin. Luckily, the detestable D’Jaffo blazed way over and wide – poetic
justice! Full time: brilliant result and we’re now 4th in the table! That
bubble has to be made of reinforced steel or something!
But every silver lining has a cloud, and ours was the struggle to get
home. Birthday boy Woody had remarked on the way up: "There are only three things
that matter today. Getting there on time, getting three points, and getting back to Euston
at a reasonable time". The most important being the second, of course. Well, we
managed two, but the third was an impossibility. Due to the abysmal train service we
arrived back in London well into the small hours, having shared the journey home with a
number of "Manchester United fans". It’s not often I agree with Roy Keane,
but I have to say that his recent remarks about them are spot-on. We escaped uninfected
however, managed to battle through the crush for taxis at Euston, and I finally arrived
home at 03:25! By the time I got to bed, I had been up for 24 hours. Is it worth it?
Yes!!!
Two out
of three ain't bad