Review of the season - part two - the players
1999-2000 - Hego's Season
Herein my paltry views on the players
chosen during the season, to perform in the eternal struggle between the inevitability of
Claret supremacy and the rest of footballing mankind.
Admirable
Well OK then, I hold up my hand on this one and will accept he had a
reasonable season with 22 clean sheets. He still scares me enormously when he comes
charging off his line, almost as much as he scares Davis, Cox and Thomas. Memorable games
at Gillingham and Brentford towards the end of the season. Still can’t get out of my
mind the laughter from an old West Brom friend of mine when we signed him. First division
material, we shall see? Escapee from an old Tolkien novel methinks.
Dean West
Plays a simple game as befits a man unencumbered by talent.
Threw away the Preston game and tried again at home to Millwall. Has managed to make me
feel almost wistful for the long departed Parky, which I could never have imagined. One of
Stan’s mysteries. Reminds me of the man choosing cardboard boxes to pack the
groceries at Tesco’s, where you know inevitably the bottom will fall out whatever he
does.
Steve Davis
In a straight comparison with the rest of the footballing human race, the
Legend that was and is would come in to that special category manufactured by God on
one of his better days. Felt that during the early part of the season, his standards
slipped for a short while as he carried an injury. Can’t think of any one forward who
evaded his ‘top pocket’ all season, and even chipped in with the inevitable
useful goals including two at Colchester and the header at Oxford. Quite like him really.
PFA honour again.
Mitchell Thomas
Supreme example of why Stan is a highly experienced and able soccer manager,
and I know nothing in comparison. Pre-season doubts swept away in a player of the season
performance in ‘not his best position’. Leader in the fashion stakes to boot, if
of course you happen to be an aficionado of torn denim or a survivor of the retreat from
Stalingrad. Primary instigator of the Wright deal as a bonus. Played Roberts at Bristol as
well as anyone in the division, and missed Bury away and look what happened there! Passing
skills unfortunately of the palsied variety.
Ian Cox
Seriously overjoyed when we signed The Bagman, as sidekick to Thomas and The
Legend. Certainly one of the best defenders the Clarets have played against in recent
seasons. Timing, pace and positional skills certainly of first division standard. Unlucky
injury towards the end of the season. Fully paid up member of the wide-awake club.
Gordon Armstrong
Club captain, but not my favourite cup of Bovril. Scored a Linekeresque goal
at home to Cardiff, but can’t recall much else positive. Still awaiting the arrival
of the soccer equivalent of Viagra, as the mind makes promises the body cannot keep.
Glen Little
Not as good as Pele, but at least a blood relation. Not always in the side
for some reason, often played out of position, and still can’t lace up Waddle’s
boots. Can’t argue with the PFA selection, and the goal of the season in the siege
that was Bristol at home. Finished off the season deservedly with the Scunny winner. How
many first division full backs fancy this one?
Paul Cook
Got a bit tired in the middle of the season as he is getting on in years
now, and would have been dropped if there had been a half decent replacement. Played more
like the late great Peter Cook at that time. Passing skills top drawer, and a lovely goal
at home to Millwall to go with the intended corner at Barnet. When in form doesn’t
just cross a ball, he shells the penalty area.
Micky Mellon
The Lemon is indeed my own personal bete noire of this team, and was quite
correctly dropped in mid season for simply being total rubbish. Brownie points for the
Blackpool home and Scunny away goals, but simply not enough overall for someone with his
goal-scoring reputation prior to joining the Clarets. Sometimes when attempting a pass to
Claret feet, when attacking the opposition goal at pace, mimics the motorist stopped at a
traffic light on green, who is waiting for the correct shade of said colour to appear.
Indecisive.
Lenny Johnrose
A period out of the side in early season, but a fixture by the end.
Patrolled the right hand side, protecting the weak link at right back. Headless chicken
act perfected, but brownie points for chopping Mr Gregan of PNE. Those who live by the
sword. Again didn’t score enough goals, particularly as an ex forward at Bury, but
then apart from the Padiham Predator, who did? Blame it on his misguided period at
Deadwood Park.
John Mullin
Hit it off with Wright when the Messiah appeared on the scene, and had a
‘reasonable but must improve’ end of term report. Apart from the two stunners at
Brentford, another ex centre forward with too few goals to his credit. Proven record at
first division level, and expect great things from him next season. Bears a striking
resemblance to a previously unknown species of tropical parrot.
Graham Branch
Well what can I say about the foppish one? Found some of his play
distinctly humorous, when not crying from the pain. Humour, as Alistair Cooke once said,
is the difference between man’s aspirations and his achievements, which just about
describes a typical GB performance, flattering to deceive. Got better as the season
progressed, but surely not a target man! A more than useful first change trombonist in his
prime.
Andy Payton
A social life obviously centred around Senior Citizen’s Annual Beetle
Drives appears to do him no harm. Heaps of goals including hat tricks against Colchester
and Oxford, but no PFA selection. An isle of joy, particularly mid season, in an ocean of
anxiety. Top man, and a proven winner even in the annual ferret legging competitions.
Andy Cooke
Difficult season for the lad with only eight goals, but often crucial
strikes, as at Derby and Wycombe. Seemed to me to spend too much time battling with the
opposition centre backs, and not enough in the box. In this world of professional sport
where half formed youths can be transformed by sudden wealth in to half baked adults, a
true gent and a real Claret. Confidently predict a good season for him in the first.
The Understudies
Chris Brass
Am at a loss to explain Brassy’s season. At one time the rising young
star of the Claret defence. Had a great game at Bristol man-marking Cureton, and at
Cambridge, but was poor at Luton. Freud would have had an appropriate theory. Nice guy who
could have been a sixer at Cubs if he could have learnt to tie knots. Tends to clear the
ball via the stratosphere a bit too much for my liking. One year on his contract to go,
and really a make or break season.
Ronnie Jepson
Substitute keeper and bench midfielder. Not one of nature’s boy scouts.
Would double up on latrine duty or black leading the fireplace if Stan asked. Good to have
him on our side at last. Not too sure how much he weighs now, but would sure crush some
grass. Has the smell of damp cardigans, fireside slippers and the rocking chair about him
now though.
Paul Smith
Has read and studied the book of wing play, knows what to do, but the body
and ball don’t. Disappointing, and even less pace now than before his injury, if that
is possible. Once a real prospect (Wimbledon?), but last scored a goal when God was a lad.
A million wouldn’t buy him now, and I would be one of them.
Paul Weller
Came back after a serious health problem to score a valuable goal at Oxford.
Allowed himself to be visited by Satan and sodded off to West Ham at the start of last
season to better himself. Was rejected and then moaned at not being able to force his way
back in to a winning side. This after the Clarets had looked after him during his long
period away. Needs to appreciate that being a Claret is not so much a way of life as a
religious experience. On the positive side, saves on travel expenses as can travel half
price. Good player, who will play well in the first.
Tom Cowan
Well I’m sorry, but really liked TC. In my book the best left back in
the club, who obviously didn’t get on with Stan. Strong tackler, good in the air for
a midget and apt to try and score goals. Like Weller, saves on travel expenses by hiding
in the kit bag. Made you feel scruffy just looking at him sometimes.
Alan Lee
Can’t remember too much of the lad prior to his injury. Looks a good
prospect though. Should have scored the winner at Wigan late on though. Diploma in
rudimentary Irish from the University of Brierfield. Very rude.
Ian Wright
Not too much more to be said of the Messiah. Had nothing to prove to us at
the Turf, but worked hard and showed sublime touch and movement. Scored a few crucial
goals but missed quite a few as well, particularly in the crazy Wigan home game. Will
remember him for his cameo long after the chat shows and commercials disappear in to the
used ale repository, where they belong.
Hego
September 2000
Part One - the play
Links - Season reviews from Cozzo, Firmo,
Tim Quelch, Phil Whalley and Igor Wowk
