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Claret Cliché Corner

How often have you opened your paper and been pleased to see a Burnley match report for a change, only to realise that what calls itself a match report is in fact a collection of vague and obvious musings about local history and the meaning of life, with a few casual northern stereotypes thrown in for good measure? It is clear that journalists only ever visit Turf Moor to take a break from the normally arduous task of writing sharply focused pieces to tight deadlines. Accordingly, to help lazy reporters next time there is no proper (Premier League) football to report on, I have compiled the following list of Claret Clichés. Journalists should endeavour to include as many clichés as possible in their reports at all times.

Perhaps some time in the future we will read a Burnley match report which actually gives an account of things which happened in the match. Until that day, we are pleased to announce our new and exclusive competition. All newspaper writers are entitled to enter. Fanzine writers are exempt, as we are all amateurs and do not get paid for our lame prose. A point will be awarded for each cliché used, and a prize given to the laziest journalist at the end of the season. Just as surely as match reports about Man Utd must mention the Spice Girls, so coverage of us must draw heavily from the less glamorous list below.

Waddle

Diamond Lights
Glenn Hoddle
Used to work in a sausage factory
Familiar round-shouldered gait
Don’t let him take the penalties!

Burnley

Not so much a sleeping giant, more a comatose one
This proud old Lancashire club
Traditional mill town
Won the league as recently as the 1960’s
Vintage Clarets
Bob Lord
Famous youth policy
Founder members who came so close to dropping out of the league altogether in 1987
Fans’ expectations are high
Excellent stadium
First rate set up off the pitch
Contrast with neighbours and rivals Blackburn
Pennines
Moors

Visual clichés for Football Focus and their ilk

Mill chimneys
Cobbled streets
The carpet with the club crest on it being vacuumed by a woman
That woman crying after the Orient Game

In what is already shaping up to be an exciting contest, Louise Taylor of the Sunday Times has taken an early lead with a creditable eight, in her "coverage" of the draw against Gillingham. In a virtual clean sweep (moors, mill town, sausage factory, good ground, Waddle’s shoulders, first rate set-up, fans’ expectations and Blackburn) only her failure to mention the Orient Game let her down. Second place is held by Simon Turnbull of the Independent on Sunday, who scored a respectable seven for his "report" of the same game (Diamond Lights, Glenn Hoddle, Waddle’s shoulders again, fans’ expectations again, "vintage Clarets", 1960’s league win and Bob Lord). If only in an otherwise comprehensive Waddle round up he had plumped for the sausage factory angle, he would be level. I’m sure it’s a lesson he’ll learn next time. What any of these have to do with the actual game remains less clear.

I hope to complete the list of visual clichés by January in time for our disappointing third round cup exit. Meanwhile, let us hope that by the next issue I am not compelled to add "inability to score goals or win games" to the list. Further suggestions for classic Claret clichés are always welcome, as are any more examples of their usage in patronising broadsheet back pages.