We'd like to welcome our latest signing, David Newton of Norwich, joining us on a Bosman free.
Tuesday 19 Feb: It was sensationally reported from Turf Moor at 6.45pm that tonight's match against Bradford City has been called off for the 7th time, creating a new all-time Football League record, and surpassed elsewhere in the world only by Krakatoa United's ill-fated game against Java Wanderers, which was originally scheduled for 26 August 1883, and which has still to take place.
This site managed to obtain an exclusive interview with Burnley's Director of Rice Production, Clive Haltmatch, who ruefully explained: "At 6.30pm the pitch was perfectly playable, but then disaster struck. One of the cleaning staff, carrying out a final inspection of the ground, noticed a crisp packet blowing around on the pitch. Knowing that the crimped foil edges of the new stay-fresh pack could easily put someone's eye out, he immediately alerted his supervisor, who mobilised the club's Emergency Ground Safety Task Force, and notified Walker's Technical Services who confirmed that, in breezes over 8 mph, the bag could be lethal."
Despite the valiant efforts of the Task Force, each armed with a stick with a nail in the end, the rogue packet eluded capture, and finally lodged itself under the roof of the James Hargreaves stand.
"The problem is," Mr Haltmatch continued, "it could blow down at any moment, endangering crowd and players alike, and we just haven't got time to get the hydraulic platforms in place. We consulted the referee, Mr Coward, who had no hesitation in calling the game off so as not to inconvenience travelling fans, who now don't need to beam themselves down to the ground at 7.44, and can stay at home and watch 'The Bill', which is what we're all going to do."
Mr Coward confirmed that this was the most dangerous incident he'd witnessed since refereeing Kabul v Kandahar in the AI Qaeda Cup Final, and he fully backed Mr Haltmatch's stance.
"I know we'll get the usual criticism," Mr Haltmatch continued, "but Walker's have confirmed that there have been heavy sales of crisps in the Burnley area all week, and we left sweeping the terraces as late as possible. We even took the precaution on Sunday of restocking all the catering outlets with Brannigan's Beer Nuts, which have harmless paper packets, but in the end you can't beat the elements."
Mr Haltmatch also refuted criticism of the club's decision to stage the East Lancashire Ploughing Finals at Turf Moor, which resulted in the 4th, 5th and 6th postponements.
"It's easy for those fans who have power without responsibility to continually carp and moan, but we've got to explore every commercial opportunity."
When asked about his qualifications to manage the pitch of a club which could be hosting Premiership games next season, Mr Haltmatch reacted angrily. "A few years ago I took the kids to visit my sister-in-law, and was left in charge of the sand pit when she went inside to make a cuppa. Noticing some ominous black clouds, I had the foresight to place a black binliner over the pit, and weighted it down with a brick at each corner. After the storm passed, I carefully removed the binliner so as not to let any rainwater spill into the sandpit, and it was perfectly playable."
The match has now been provisionally rearranged for Tuesday 30 April at the slightly later kick-off time of 11pm, to accommodate the televised display by the Accrington Ladies Synchronised Swimming Team, the first event of its kind to be staged at Turf Moor. A pitch inspection will take place at 10.55.
News from elsewhere: it has just been confirmed that Cheltenham Town FC, only recently a non-league club with a turnover of £6450 a year, in an area which has had the highest recorded rainfall since 1824, has been awarded the contract to stage this year's World Bowls Championships at Whaddon Road.
