As the festive season approaches one's thoughts turn
again to the purchase of pointless gifts. To assist the discerning Claret in achieving the
customary Yuletide disappointment, a brief selection of ideas are suggested here.
Yappy Inchy
Yappy Inchy is an endearing toy. It stands exactly 1" small and can be dressed in
a selection of kits or not, dependent upon your fancy. It is perfectly tooled, being
anatomically correct in all features. If you prefer your mini-kits with balls, this is
your baby. Serviced by only four HP 7 batteries, it bustles industriously in midfield for
hours, sometimes long after a match has concluded, giving unalloyed pleasure to homeless
ground stewards.
What our expert said about Yappy Inchy:
"Quite frankly, Yappy Inchy was a disappointment. It did not so much bustle, as
convulse frenetically, yapping high pitch instructions at everyone else whilst being
constantly guilty of tripping over the ball or anything bigger than an amoeba. What's
more, it just wouldn't stay on the bench when told. Paradoxically, it seemed to spend an
awfully long time on the treatment table with a less than militant tendency. I gave a
Yappy Inchy to my two-year old son. For a nanosecond he was totally absorbed with his
Yappy Inchy, then he microwaved it."
Expert rating *
Meat Pie Holder Detector
At last Hi-Tech has delivered the goods for that old favourite: the meat pie holder.
Many of you will recall the wondrous simplicity of the meat pie holder. Decked in the
colours of your team, its robust plastic composition enabled you to grasp that half-time
pie in comfort, free from the worry of soiling your hands with dubious matter. Now the
meat pie holder has been rejuvenated to accord with the nutritionally-conscious nineties.
The re-launched meat pie holder has an in-built meat detector. With the aid of the meat
pie holder's revolutionary paging window, the health-conscious fan can detect the species,
presence and quality of meat before deciding to purchase the pie in question. A must for
all fans with unhealthy appetites!
What our expert said about the Meat Pie Holder Detector:
"This was an intriguing device. I tried it out on a cascade of pies at grounds up
and down the country. It would come up with messages like, ’No meat registered',
‘Nope, none here either', ‘Not even a sniff of a herd’, ‘Do you call
bollocks meat?’, 'Do me a favour!'. It also had a warning device if recycled meat was
detected (i.e. if someone else had made a previous attempt at eating it). Then, it would
flash up ‘Alimentary waste' continuously with an accompanying wailing alarm until the
offending product was put ten miles out of range. For all its Hi-Tech features I'm not
sure that that the Meat Pie Holder Detector was as helpful as intended. It would paralyse
queues, and everywhere I went there was a cacophonous noise of meat pie holder detector
alarms, whilst everyone just tucked in. It could be a very volatile instrument also. I
once took it into a Burger joint, forgetting it was in my pocket. No sooner had I entered
the aforesaid eating house when it rent a huge hole in my pocket and propelled itself into
the sanctuary of the toilet, where the meat readings were more favourable. Oh, by the way
don’t say Brisbane Road in front of one."
Expert rating **
Tim Quelch
October-November 1995
