Not to be recommended
Alternative Match Report - Derby County 0
Burnley 1, 11 December 2000
Hego
I suppose it all really started on the
Friday before the FA Cup 3rd round draw, when my date with the body repair shop
was confirmed as the Tuesday, before the weekend of the third round matches. Being the
sort of chap who is a little naïve on all things medical, apart from irregular visits to
casualty for a bit of needlework, this didn’t seem to be an insurmountable problem.
All the same, listening to the draw I was a third hoping for something relatively boring
and easy, like say a home draw against Wrexham.
As we all know, tension throughout the draw led
us to the penultimate game out of the hat, and Derby away. Premiership team not playing
well, new ground tick, some of the best real ale pubs in the country, not far away
relatively and Clarets playing well. To cut a long story short, the man with the knife
decreed an absence from said fixture, and he may well have been correct. Did hold out hope
until the day before the repairs on the dubious grounds of a cold, but these were not
considered to be mitigating circumstances. I was given the red card, literally, and was
about to miss an important Burnley game for the first time in as long as I can remember. I
was not a happy bunny.
Woke up early on match day morning, determined
to make something of these wretched circumstances, but my mind was on the train to Derby.
I was somewhat cheered by the ‘congratulations on passing your exams!’ card from
the vagabonds masquerading as London Clarets, but immediately set to work on a plan of
campaign.
First of course Clubcall, which featured the
usual laconic Stan interview, which sounded confident but as usual said little. None of
the national broadsheets made much comment on the game except to emphasise Derby’s
poor home form, and our miserly defensive qualities. Soccer am was the usual disorganised
but passably enjoyable Sky show starting at 8-00 am for four hours. There were only two
Burnley related references; one was the interview with ball juggling Nvodlu of Birmingham,
one of whose best mate’s was Peter Swan of all people. Strangely when I have watched
this programme before, Swanny was also mentioned as a mate of Leicester’s Robert
Ullathorne. Strange.
The second reference contradicted the teletext
team news, in that the blonde woman presenter, a mad Torquay supporter, made reference to
the Clarets' very own Alan Lee. He had injured his knee and was out for the season, which
was news to me. She was a mate of Al’s from his time at Torquay, and she wished him
well for the future. She apparently owns a perfectly respectable lodging house for some of
the Torquay players. Well yes, and my name is Henry VIII! Note Clubcall didn’t have
this gem, and teletext made reference to no injury problems at all except Brad Maylett.
Getting nervous close to lunchtime, and
beginning to plan the switching of channels over the next hour or two between Sky’s
Gillette Soccer Saturday, Football Focus and ITV’s On the Ball. Little to report here
except the acknowledgement of a possible upset, and the usual few words from Stan. One or
two goals shown, but nought of interest. I will wager the build up to the fourth round may
be a little more effusive. A little bit of interest arising from the Hull vs Chelsea game,
which seemed to get huge unwarranted interest, as how anyone could see a potential upset
there is beyond me. Nice to see Warren Joyce in good spirits though, although the decision
to play himself in central midfield against the Foreign Legion struck me as odd. Morgan on
the bench sounded sensible, but Steve Harper at left wing back? Venison on ITV seemed to
be pro Burnley, which is a mixed blessing.
So to kick off with Burnley scarf in prime
position, so that any passing cyclists or horses could wonder what a West Ham fan was
doing in leafy Shackleford. Chose Sky for the match, because of their on line reporting,
but little substantive comment to report until half time. Timed it beautifully to listen
in on the few seconds of Grandstand comment, supplementing the Sky half time report, and
another visit to Clubcall. The latter was still commenting on the first twenty minutes.
The substance of each was that Burnley certainly shaded the first half, and despite a
couple of Admirable dives with a full twist and pike, the Clarets should have been in
front. A little bit of stomach churn at this point, and thoughts of making the replay on
the 21st. Main comment on Exeter and Hereford games which is understandable,
but six year old getting bored and back to the Lego. As a neutral, I guess his old man was
exhibiting quite odd behaviour.
The goal changed everything. Unfortunately had
to share the spotlight with the happenings at Tranmere and Wrexham, but suddenly shock of
the day was on. It was fairly apparent that there were no senior reporters from Sky or BBC
at the game, but the reports became much more frequent and positive. I had expected us to
defend the one goal lead in depth, but when it was announced that Derby nearing the end
had five forwards on the field, breakaway goal kept creeping back into my mind. I have to
admit that the old Burnley propensity for failure in these circumstances also surfaced,
but with Legend and Mitchell Thomas at the helm, shouldn’t have worried. Oh ye of
little faith.
As I am sure with all Clarets, the last few
minutes were hell. The tele-printer showing up to the minute scorers was lagging behind
the match score on screen, which withstood my maniacal gaze. It doesn’t obviously
help the players on the pitch, but it made me feel good by daring the score to change
under threat of imminent danger! Not too sure how I would have handled it in the ground,
but I am sure the good doctor’s needlework might have been threatened and the voice
would have certainly disappeared completely.
Both the BBC and Sky showed the goal, and the
final whistle celebrations at ‘Final Score’ with the players running to the
delirium of the away end, the crowd resplendent in Santa garb. The volume was pure joy. No
comment at the end of the game from Stan, who was presumably already at the bar, and Jim
Smith who had scarpered fifteen minutes from time. The comment came from Sky’s Mark
McGhee who attempted to belittle the Clarets' achievement, without seeing or hearing the
game. What do you expect from a loser? Guess he wasn’t granted an interview for the
Claret job. Our biggest supporter as always when the Clarets are mentioned is Clive Allen,
also on Sky, who said his piece as befits an excellent English international striker who
has actually been to the Turf.
To Clubcall, where a breathless young man
stuttered his way through a summary of this ‘staggering performance’, promising
a full report later. Thence to FA Cup Goals at six o’clock on one of the Sky channels
where a fuller report was given showing the Crichton saves and one or two tasty Claret
moments, again with Clive Allen. The domination of the Clarets, the volume of the support
and the humiliation of Derby came through loud and clear. A break then to savour the
moment, eat, and crack open a bottle of Young’s Special.
A phone call emanating from a train rattling
back from Derby to London brought home a little of the flavour of the day. Couldn’t
make out much of what was said, but the London Claret bandwagon was certainly in full
voice. They had had a pint of ale for me, but I fear it was more like a barrel. Boy I wish
I had been there. Match of the day was the cream. Second game on, obviously hastily
redirected to that spot. Cooky goal gets better with the watching. Gary Lineker pro-Claret
as ever, and Hansen praising the boys, whilst bemoaning Derby. Fantastic performance.
To finish off of course, all the Sunday papers
pro Claret, rerun of Match of the Day, and a switch onto the early Sky Soccer Extra
programme, where after the highlights, Chris Kamara and Matt Lorenzo interviewed Stan by
phone. Stan was in a jovial mood giving CK some stick, who feels that Stan prefers the
long ball game. There is a betting expert spot on this programme, who expressed some
surprise at the long odds on Burnley winning the match of 9 to 1. He had recommended this
as one of his surprises, and had backed same. Stout fellow!
All in all could have been worse, but not a lot.
This is definitely not the recommended way to watch a major Claret extravaganza. Be
warned.
Referee: Wife
Crowd: 1 1/2
Hego
Our match report
and another non-match report from France
