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Tales from the Throne Room
(musings of the self appointed secretary of the 1987 royal back bench committee)

Clarets all over the world

Whilst on vacation in Canada recently, browsing round a toy store in Vancouver as one does with one’s seven year old child, I was reminded that this is indeed a small world and that Clarets make up a substantial part of same. Said child was wearing a white Claret away shirt at the time as is his wont and privilege, and was recognised in the store by Jeff Robinson, a Claret presently living in South Wales, and on holiday in that very part of the world. The very same man who accompanied the venerable John Pepper, the evergreen Michael Benyon and myself in presenting the match-ball against Derby County, the last time we were in the first division. Shouldn’t have been surprised really that there are many others around with sophisticated Claret tastes. I really do wonder how many Clarets we could field from all round the World were it possible to measure same. Suppose we might someday find out if we reached the FA Cup Final again.

Where are they now?

In the end of season roundabout, Steve Thompson fell off at Rotherham, and got on again at Halifax, joining Tony Parks and Gerry Harrison. Mark Winstanley’s fall from grace at Gay Meadow has been alleviated by a spot, probably on the bench, at the terminal decline which was and is Carlisle United. Also note the evil jaw breaking one Andy Bernal has retired, good riddance. Danny Sonner has decamped to Birmingham City and is apparently playing quite well, so he must have improved a lot over the years. Neil Moore has found his new level, maybe, at Telford. Tom Cowan has ventured out to the allotments in Cambridge, and Robertson to the train sheds at Swindon. Good luck to them all apart from Bernal, as they were once Clarets. Except when playing against us of course.

Prospects for the new season

An interesting and varied view in the media of our prospects this season, which with one or two exceptions would see us loitering in the lower mid table. Odds of between 30/1 and 40/1 have been quoted for promotion, which is nice, but not high enough. Both Alan Smith and Dave Bassett of the division’s managers feel that with Stan in charge, we together with Preston will spring a few surprises this season. Hope they are of the pleasant variety! Interesting comment in the Fascist Graph re the Clarets, that ‘if promotion was all about the passion of the fans, then Burnley would be in the premier league, unfortunately this is reality’.

Claret internationals

Been waiting a long time to comment on this, probably eighteen years since Brian Flynn was a lad playing for the Clarets. Congratulations to Phil Gray on his rather successful elevation back in to the full international arena with Northern Ireland. Winning goal even, against the hapless chocolates with honeycomb centres. Top man! Strange state of affairs though when a game is called off because of international calls on the Crewe team. Assume Mr Cox will be next as another part of the West Indies reverts to soccer following the demise of their cricket team.

Nicknames

As I was leafing through a few back numbers of our magazine for innocent amusement as is my wont, I was struck by some of the strange nicknames we have given to some of our players over the years. This follows neatly on from a rather lukewarm article I read recently in a local rag pre-season special. In this, Steve Davis was leading us through a review of the dressing room characters with names like Coxy, Fred (West), Bruno (Thomas) and of course two versions of Cookey, P and A. What about these for fine examples from the past and present, some more descriptive than others: Foghorn, Admirable, Fop, Lemon, Tory Wa***r, Tin Man (praise be), Marlene, Inchy, Phyllis, Geddo, Dancing Boy, Tippy, Blakey, The Legend, Loafy, The Bear, Rainman, Canny, Big Boy, Besty, The Beast, Budgie, Killa and of course Panda. A prize of a free pint for the most original one I have missed or for getting all the connections right, donated kindly by the web-meister, although he doesn’t know it yet.

The answers.

Ralph Coates

What a fine man, and what a charmingly self-effacing, famous Claret. Pub before and after the game, and chose to sit in the away long side at Crystal Palace rather than the Directors' Box. Signed my famous Burnley 5 Leeds United 1 programme from 1968, which just happened to have his picture on the front after scoring at Stoke the week before. Particularly enjoyed the inevitable retort to the Alastair Campbell’s moan at half time. Alastair was querying why he was being asked to pay his London Clarets annual membership, when Ralph was given an honorary freebie. ‘Cos he’s more important than you are!’ Quite, but not normally the thing one might say to the very well connected King of Spin!

International game postponements

Heard during a recent Talk Radio interview with the Chief Executive of Watford FC, sympathy for the plight of the long distance football supporter, when faced with postponement of games from their Saturday berth as a result of international calls. Watford are apparently to consider some form of reimbursement on season tickets and/or genuine costs arising when this sort of situation arises. The particular example concerned a Jolly Hornet living in Plymouth with a season ticket for Vicarage Road, whose job precluded him from making midweek night matches. Poor dear, watch a decent team and travel even further. Watch this space.

Best supported club?

Seen recently in 4-4-2 magazine, league tables showing footy clubs with the highest average league game support as a percentage of 1999 official town population. We are seventh, not top as all Clarets (including me) believe with an average gate of 12,937 against a population of 89,900. Ignoring London clubs, our percentage of 14.39% compares unfavourably with Bryan Robson's Middlesbrough (23.05%), Watford (22.75%) and Ipswich (16.26%). I’ll keep my trap shut on this point for a while, certainly until next year’s average home gate is published.

Hego
November 2000