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Tales from the Throne Room
(musings of the self appointed secretary of the 1987 royal back bench committee)

Clarets all over the world

Well would you believe it, having expressed wonderment in the last magazine at the amazing spread around the world of the Claret faithful, it would appear that missionary work is still required closer to home. A Mr Briggs from Burnley recently rang ‘You are on Sky Sports’, to discuss the merits of the present Glasgow Celtic team, as a supporter, in a Burnley accent! The Sky presenter, fine chap, asked this individual about the present Burnley team, as you would, and received a nil response. Words fail me! The very same thing happened a week later, involving a so-called Coventry fan. Think we need St Dave of Burnley to seek these people out, either to convert them or as a last resort to persuade them to emigrate.

Where are they now?

No sooner does Alan Lee move permanently to Rotherham than he smashes in a cracker for them at Brentford. He then follows this with two in the important win over Millwall. Good man that he is he also expressed sadness at leaving the hallowed Turf. Left too soon? Looks very much like Swanny might now have more time than he realised to pursue his active social life. A serious knee injury has put paid to his soccer related activities at York. Happy retirement to him, as he made me laugh. Whilst Tom Cowan continues to give away penalties at Cambridge, the much revered and very sensible Cookey moves on to Stoke. I have to say how disappointed I was at the news, but not surprised, particularly when he failed to make the coach to the Tranmere game. Apart from his valuable goals he made a very spirited (literal) appearance at the London Clarets table at the APFSCIL dinner. Top man. The best of luck for the future Andreas Cookeson.

Manager of the Month

How complex the logic and reasoning behind the award for the MOTM has now become. One manager of a well known northern football team accumulates 15 points in six league games in October, whilst a more widely know ex England international manager amasses a point less for his southern based team. The award of course goes to the latter. Never mind Stan, a whole ship-load of Brownie Points to you, which is worth much more, particularly as the MOTM award traditionally pre-dates a loss of form. And so it came to pass!

Challinor Balls

After having quite properly lambasted the Tranmere team for their tactics in aiding Mr Challinor to fling a ball into our penalty area from the half way line, comes the official response to our cries. Lest we forget, Mr C is thrown a new freshly towelled ball by the ball boys for all throw-ins, and is of course aided by decking placed at strategic points through the advertising hoardings to aid the run up. Does he really need these artificial aids? Well officially these actions are OK as long as both sides are given this advantage. Didn’t see the ball boys moving themselves off their bottoms for our throw-ins. I hope the Clarets are adequately prepared for the home game. Share and share alike!

Claret Snippets

Have we now unbelievably managed to unveil a new strip to rival the old jade and black voodoo monstrosity, following the first appearance of the yellow and blue third option at the City Ground? I shall be keeping my eyes on this one for the future, with the matchbox at the ready.

Recently saw in the broad-sheet press a quote from Stan regarding a national soccer issue, in this case the ramifications of the possible demise of the transfer system. Recognition at last! The denizens of the moving picture screen also appear to have realised there is a Claret force on the move, and have recently pontificated re same. Dean Holdsworth, prior to the Bolton/Watford game, was moved to comment that we may well challenge seriously for a play-off spot by the end of the season, and also unsurprisingly that the Claret fans were worth a one goal start to the team. Too right!

Recently, and of course unusually, nipped into a local Fuller's pub in the City after a particularly abysmal day. There to be faced by the awesome site of the Carling Premiership Trophy perched precariously on a drinks table, surrounded by alarm systems and two rather large unfriendly looking gentlemen. Managed to nose my way to within six inches of said silverware, which is probably as close as the Clarets will come in the near future. Makes you think though!

One of the interesting pieces of Claret trivia not realised by many on the day of the Nottingham Forest home game has come to my attention. The day that the Clarets were playing the twice European Cup winners was also the fortieth anniversary of the Clarets' first appearance in said competition as league CHAMPIONS, not second or third. For all you young uns out there who do not know, this game was a famous victory against the French champions Rheims, who have also fallen on hard times in the interim.

It may have escaped your notice, but immediately before the recent run of losses, the Division 1 table showed an amazing seven teams in the top ten having conceded exactly 22 goals. The only difference, significant on the Clarets part was goals scored. Hmmm.

Watford

Spoke to a reasonably knowledgeable (relative) Watford fan after the bizarre postponement at Vicarage Road, about their pitch. This particular piece of green sward is no more than three years old, and is of such a peculiar construction, apparently, that it cannot be forked to release standing water without damaging the synthetic membrane underneath. Well, that certainly explains the curious lack of activity on the pitch after 2-30pm. No news yet on re-imbursement of supporters' costs arising though, or why the match could not have been delayed to kick off at 4-00pm, and indeed why the weather only appeared to be so bad over Watford.

Did you know?

In the first of a possibly regular series we, the royal we that is, will attempt to answer those oddball Claret related questions you always wanted to resolve, but the little grey cells were not forthcoming. The first of the series was raised in the Norwich home match report by my good self, and answered by Lumberjack. The question, ‘why do the Clarets bounce the ball vigorously twice before taking a free kick?’ The conclusion seems to be that this signifies a near post free kick as a variety to the almost inevitable back post headed goal from the Legend. Seems OK to me.

The Event

Can’t really close this episode of Tales without comment on the B*****ds match. Obviously the defeat was a huge disappointment to all, particularly because of the performance of certain Claret players on the day, who did not stand up to be counted. All the usual suspects I am afraid. The atmosphere however was something else, which belies the apparent death of the Longside roar. Brownie Points to all concerned, including me.

Interestingly, two of the more cogent pieces of prose in the media which seemed to appreciate the full import of the fixture involved Kelly and Dunn. Hadn’t realised the latter started his career at the Burnley School of Excellence with our very own reserves Scott and Heywood.

Finally, whilst on the subject of B*****ds, it would be remiss of me not to mention the incident in the Bolton game where Hendry displayed his backside to the Hargreaves Stand faithful. Admittedly it is debatable whether this particular view is worse than the face of the ugliest man in soccer, but still not acceptable.

Hego
January 2001