At this festive time of year my mind turned towards writing
number two in the series of Unmemorable Matches following the Bolton (?) game in a recent
issue. Unfortunately, I couldn’t not forget a suitable game. Need another subject,
and after two days of thought and much well deserved Christmas spirit, I arrived at my pet
hate in programmes: the player pen picture. These items are without exception pathetic
drivel, unless of course the answers are true, in which case the subject matter probably
couldn’t read the item anyway.
So, using the latest interview technique, by seance (a method
perfected by Russell Harty), I managed to reach the alternative mind of one Dame Marlene
Beresford. Here, therefore, with the additional aid of his own personal ouija board, are
MB’s replies to the questions you really wanted answering:
Favourite drink Pint of condemned chilled Tizer with a
cherry on top.
Favourite music Andrew Lloyd Webber’s
‘Don’t Cry for Me Stockport County’ - the Wembley play-off version.
School qualifications Two ‘O’ Levels in
‘Catching high centres’ and ‘saving penalties’.
Likes Drawing murals or tearing up Vince
Overson’s old person’s bus pass.
Dislikes Playing behind Jamie ‘Panda’
Hoyland after the lad’s Thursday night beer and curry extravaganza, closely followed
by the Bastard Hendry and his Phantom of the Opera mask.
Politics Just to the right of the female ex-ink
monitor at Number 10, but not as far right as Genghis Winstanley. Privatise old age
indeed!
Hobbies Translating back copies of ‘Rupert the
Bear’ annuals into Swedish using real joined-up handwriting.
Favourite film ‘Parkinson of Arabia’. A
pageant depicting the heroic deeds in the life of an ex-Notlob so-called fullback. Good
for insomniacs.
Holidays Perfection is a cycling holiday with Jamie
‘Panda’ Hoyland using a left-handed tandem and not pedalling. Last year visited
Vinnie Jones in his natural environment; feeding time is twelve till two.
Favourite book David Eyres’ book of ‘How to
Write Proper When You Speak it Out Loud’. Endless hours of outstandingest fun using
your crayons to colour in the hyperbole.
Advice to young soccer players Walls have ears.
That’s why it’s so difficult to stick anaglypta on them.
Favourite goalkeeper The sublime Adam Blacklaw. The
only man to keep goal immaculately whilst seated in an armchair drinking vintage complan.
Favourite charity International relief fund for the
gelding of pacy opposing strikers.
Usual training regime Cold, early morning bath in
unfermented liniment followed by an hour of nude, bareback pole vaulting.
Occupation if MB hadn’t been a soccer
player Professor of Double Glazing at the University of Brierfield. Plenty of Russian
female shot putters there!
Hopes for the future To swap knitting patterns and
incontinence prescriptions with Lady Glenys Hoddle, the Leader of the Gang.
Thanks to Marlene for this insight into the depths of his
mind, and for signing his contract, unlike Noggan the Nog.
Barry Heagin
December-January 1996-97
