In these days when a plethora of
football information is constantly being foisted on us by fanzines and other specialist
publications, internet websites, sky and cable television, as well as terrestrial TV,
radio and the daily papers, you may wonder what purpose the traditional matchday programme
continues to serve. I mean, I’m certainly not going to go to the trouble of arriving
at the ground half an hour before kick off just to make sure that I get my hands on two
quid’s worth of glossy tat full of pictures of last week’s sponsors receiving
the autographed match ball. I’d rather have another pint thank you very much.
That said however, the purchase of a programme continues to be a
part of my matchday routine. If they happen to be sold out, fair enough, I’m not
going to worry about it (whilst we’re on this theme, can anyone remember the last
time they managed to obtain a programme at Notts County?). If there are some to be had,
however, I’ll buy one. Quite why I do this is not clear, least of all to me. I
suppose it’s a conditioned response arising from a misplaced belief that a programme
is an essential part of the matchday experience, just as much as waiting in vain for cabs
to turn up (away matches), queuing pointlessly for the whole of half-time in the vain hope
of purchasing hot food (home matches) or going home drunk (all matches).
A trawl through the pen pictures of the Burnley players in some of
this season’s away programmes, however, reveals a new role for the compilers: the
spread of malicious misinformation. Presumably the supposed purpose of these pen portraits
is to encapsulate in a few sentences a player’s CV and the main strengths of his
game. In short, to provide the reader with some idea of what to expect from the player in
question. The following descriptions of Burnley players are taken from a selection of this
season’s away match programmes. See what you think.
1. ‘An attacking midfielder who weighs in with his fair share
of goals’
2. ‘The tricky right-winger ...’
3. ‘The tall midfielder …’
4. ‘The huge centre half …’
5. ‘He likes to be involved in the thick of a good
battle.’
6. ‘His close ball control and pace make him a defender’s
nightmare’.
7. ‘His breaks from the centre of the pitch have become a real
feature of Burnley’s play’
8. ‘The cultured midfield play-maker’
9. ‘Has real pace with a good touch and finishing
ability…’
10. ‘…unpredictable striker…’
11. ‘… natural leader … is Ternent’s lieutenant
on the field of play.’
12. ‘Gamekeeper turned poacher’
Trying to turn this into a competition proved far too taxing, so
the answers are as follows:
1. Sounds like exactly the kind of player we’ve needed for
decades. Well, it seems like we’ve already got him, in the shape of Mickey Mellon.
Depends whether you think two goals in the first half of the season represents a
‘fair share’.
2. Graham Branch may have been called many things, and I know for a
fact that he has, but a right winger?
3. This was all that the compiler of the notes for the Cambridge
programme could think of to say about Glen Little. Not, as you might expect, ‘one of
the most feared attacking players in the division’, no, just ‘the tall
midfielder’.
4. The absolutely enormous Steve Davis.
5. John Mullin, apparently. Presumably they were thinking of Ronnie
Jepson.
6. Blimey, who’s this – Rivaldo? Dennis Bergkamp perhaps?
Well, no it’s Graham Branch again, actually.
7. Hey, this Mickey Mellon bloke sounds pretty good! I wonder if by
‘breaks’ they mean as in taking a break?
8. Play-makers are, of course, always ‘cultured’, and
especially so if left-footed. Watch out for a guest appearance by Paul Cook on BBC2’s
Late Review.
9. A Mr G Branch.
10. Andy Cooke – there’s just no telling what he’ll
do next!
11. Gordon Armstrong. No further comment.
12. Or possibly poacher turned gamekeeper, who can say? Anyway,
it’s Jeppo.
Compiled by Joanne Pilkington, ‘the
industrious membership secretary’
and John Pepper, ‘the tall travel secretary’
February 2000
