Grimsby /
Cleethorpes
"Opposite the derelict church -
blackened stone greening with moss, squat like a huge toad - was a lock-up chippy,
long-since boarded up; they said the owner had died in an avalanche of grease. One day it
re-opened: clean, tiled, gleaming, with new steel-mounted fryers, Design Centre salt and
pepper dispensers, fans whirring at three speeds on three levels. On the wall was a
Brangwynish mosaic of triremes clashing at Salamis, incorporating a pinned-up Pirelli
calendar and a Grimsby fixture card: and, below, nose projecting out and over the marble
counter like a chad's, was a tiny, ageless man, like a nut-husk sculpture of Stravinsky."
Maltese Eddie
"His fish and chips were the finest I've ever
tasted. I watched him, moving with a dancer's unhurried speed and economy, enfolding the
blue-white fish in sheets of glossy batter mix, like ectoplasm. The chips were edged and
grained like wood, with a long smoky aftertaste. When your knife breached the batter -
jewelled with faceted sea-salt grains, rosetted by an acidic vinegar - a short ichor flow
escaped the cavity, along with a sigh like a departing soul. The boneless, flaking fish,
buttering in its own heat, tasted bland at first but then seemed to move at bewildering
speed through every possible gradation of savoury and sweet before establishing and
holding on the palate a deep, chthonic resonance."
© Bill Broadby
Well yes, it's hard to talk Grimsby without
mentioning fish and chips, so we may as well get that out of the way at the start, even if
these days, what with Euro fishing quotas and the fact that cod's an endangered species,
there aren't too many opportunities anymore to sing when you're fishing. As eating North Sea cod
now seems to be the equivalent to tucking into a nice juicy panda steak, you may just have
to stick to drinking beer.
You're in luck. There are some cracking pubs in
Cleethorpes. Which is, of course, where Grimsby play. It's not just a London thing to play
in a part of the world other than that after which you're named. This is not a complaint.
As a drinking town, Cleethorpes has a very definite edge over Grimsby. Besides which, it's the
seaside, kind of, and we do like to be beside it, don't we? Football trips to the shores
always have a special something about them, so do your best to get on that bleak and bracing
promenade.
Just steer clear of the grotty-looking pubs that cluster around the railway station. Fun pub would be a definite misnomer. Swerve away from the amusement arcade and keep going.
There did used to be one honourable exception, and it was right on the station. You see, time was when Cleethorpes was a de rigeur destination for your proletarian holiday maker. It was the Majorca of its day. Train after train would head for the sun-kissed shores of the Humber, and once arrived the workers needed refreshment. One interesting relic of that past was the station's Refreshment Rooms. I believe in Cleethorpes' heyday there were a thriving three such watering holes for the thirsty masses. Not sure how many there are now, for following our most recent visit (April 2002) I am saddened to report that the once wonderful No. 2 Refreshment Room had been completely gutted. After leaving the match early under the terms of the Prince Albert Three Goal Rule my one consolation was that I would get one or many pints in here, but alas it was very shut and all the insides have gone. Don't know if it's planned to open again, but it won't be the same. Shame, as it was handy, and this place provided superb solace on my visit before, when I witnessed some of our 4-1 waddle inspired thrashing, before leaving early. Spotting a pattern here? Yes, the three goal rule was applied then too, and it was a strange sensation to be midway around a pint in here while watching the result of the game we'd travelled from London to see come up on the teleprinter. For all that it matters now, it was a small, comfortable, highly locals' pub, selling beers from the Mansfield and John Smith's stables. On our visit it was full of old folks who'd dug in for a smoky afternoon in the company of Channel 4 racing. In other words, my kind of place.
Round the back somewhere there was at least one more of the refreshment rooms. I can't recall which number, either one or three, but it lacked charm and didn't tempt us.
Anyway, from Cleethorpes station you have a choice. With your back to the water, if you turn right you're heading towards the ground, although it's still a bit of a walk. (There's technically a nearer stop at New Clee station, but I've never been on a train that halted there.) Going that way, you should hit Grimsby Road, and then keep going for the ground. I seem to recall there's also a pretty reasonable bus service which rescued us when we were stranded far from the match at 2.45 one time. There are pubs between station and ground. I've been past them but never in them, so I don't know what they're like. All sources suggest the Leaking Boot as away fan friendly, but do they tell us what the beer's like? No.
The reason that I am a stranger to such places is because I have, of course, always gone south from the station, away from the ground, because that is where the best pubs are. It is always the way.
Turning left from the station will get you onto Central Promenade. Just hope it isn't too windy, although it will be. Walking down here brings you to High Cliff Road, where you'll find something of a local institution. Willy's Pub and Brewery is better than it sounds. It's a bit of a café bar in design, but I've always found it welcoming. They brew their own beer, and that beer is excellent. They make a good range of bitters and also have guest beers, so I'd be tempted to get stuck into a couple here. They also do reasonable value food, and you can see the brewery. The pub has won a string of local CAMRA awards, including pub of the decade! As it happens I found it a bit disappointing on my last visit and not quite as good as I remembered it, but that may have been me.
Adjacent to here is Smugglers. Aye, bit of a crap name and it is rather nautically themed, but call in anyway. It’s one of those subterranean bars you often find in seaside hotels, but the beer is good. It comes from the Banks’s / Marston’s Range and is well worth a slurp. They also do food.
You’ll not need any though, because next door to Willy's is the world's greatest chippy. Certainly, if there's one finer, I've never been there. Confusingly, this too is called the Leaking Boot. All fish is freshly cooked - they don't let it hang around - and while this means you'll have to wait, it's worth it. Better let a mate go in and order while you finish your pint off in Willy’s. It isn't the chippy described at the top of the page, but that passage contains a fair description of the quality of the fish, although I don't know what chthonic means. That said, the chips are nothing special. So, if you figure that one more cod is hardly going to make a difference, get the best here, and forget about pies at the ground. Of course, you roll up at the ground and see folk grazing in McDonalds. Enough to make you weep.
There are other pubs on this stretch but none I’ve explored recently. A tiny bell is rung by the Kings Royal on Kingsway, which is a little further down. If it's the one I'm thinking of, it was a reasonable S&N pub.
After here I’ve either cabbed or bussed it to Blundell Park. The ground, of course, is hard by the Humber, so can be a bit bracing. As a ground it's nothing special. A few of the home fans can be a might aggressive, so bear that in mind, although there's also plenty of daft sods who sing about fish. That said, we take sole (sorry) responsibility for the Grimsby Fish Song.
An intriguing option, however, is to go past the ground and visit the Rutland Arms on Rutland Street. Off Grimsby Road, and technically back in Grimsby, it's probably about fifteen minutes from the ground. Control your scepticism, for it's a decent pub. Apparently it used to be a club, and it shows. It’s basic, it’s one for the locals, and on my visit there were a fair few people in black and white shirts, but it’s an Old Mill pub, and there are few enough of those around to make it interesting. I don’t think Old Mill bitter is what it used to be – it used to have a really strange taste, but these days it’s pretty innocuous – but the good thing about Old Mill pubs is that they usually sell a mild too. You don’t get too many chances, so get some.
Miles away from anywhere else to the point that it doesn’t fit in anywhere in this guide is the Crow's Nest Hotel on Balmoral Road. It couldn't be further from somewhere if it tried. It's easily a cab job, and a more than 20 minute walk to the water. I haven't really sold this to you very well, but I liked it, and I stayed for a couple. It's a huge pub, and a genuine community pub - the sort of place that hosts wedding buffets and funeral drinks for the people who live on the surrounding streets. Importantly it’s a Sam Smith’s pub, so that means cheap, and good, pints of bitter.
Grimsby itself isn't that far away, and if you're coming by train you'll come through here, so why not get off for a quick couple? Grimsby Town, rather than Grimsby Docks, is the best station for beer.
On Osborne Street, not far right from the station, is the ludicrously named Swigs. Get beyond the name, as it's the other branch of Willy's. Again, it's a café bar, but the beer is, once again, good, with fine Lincolnshire Bateman's on offer when I visited, along with the Willy's and guests. Bateman's is a grand old independent brewery, and you've got a decent chance of coming across some of their beers in this part of the world. Snap up any Dark Mild that you find. A friendly place, then, if a bit of a student haunt, and as you'd expect, they have a fair menu.
From here, push north through the Freshney Place shopping centre until you hit Garth Lane on the other side. Here is the Tap and Spile, one of the better ones in the chain as I recall, with a fine selection of beers to pick from.
Another pub I remember, on Victoria Street north of the town centre, is the Hope and Anchor. This was a reasonable Tetley's pub, basic and woody. However, on my last visit the service was unspeakably slow. Was it worth it for a pint of Tetley's Mild? Maybe, but I could have had two in the time.
In something of a local radio link, slow service brings us perfectly to the compulsory local Wetherspoon's, being the Yarborough Hotel right next to the station. It's a big place and you can't miss it. Unfortunately I don't know what the beer is like. I did have time for a quick pint in here before a train to Cleethorpes, but not after I'd waited five minutes without getting served. Service is Wetherspoon's perennial Achilles heel, so don't be surprised if it hasn't improved.
That said, I'd make the most of Cleethorpes while you can. We may not have many more chances to come here. Grimsby are planning to move, so a local taxi driver told us, to land at Great Coates, right the other side of Grimsby. Could be another Scunthorpe job. Blundell Park is showing its age, but something will have been lost when the Cleethorpes afternoon out no longer becomes a realistic option.
The Electronic Fishcake is one of the better Rivals Net sites, and not just for the name alone. Chose 'Club Information' to get ground directions, pub and, indeed, chippy guides and - a nice idea this - away fans' FAQs. It's all a bit skeletal, but it's friendly and well-intentioned. As you might expect, they don't shy away from the odd mention of our piscine friends either. Bring me haddock, anyone?
Firmo
With thanks to Phil Whalley
Last visited April 2002
Last updated August 2002
The Grimsby Fish Song
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