In line with Andy Cole of Blackburn Rovers, I would like to use this medium to announce my imminent retirement from International Football. I feel really sorry for Andy. I know exactly how it feels to be rejected, even though I have been training hard and scored five magnificent goals at the County Upper 5-a-side court in Bury St Edmunds on Tuesday evening. Plainly the manager has decided to overlook me in preference for other regular goalscorers and providers who have scored lots of goals for England in recent internationals, whereas I haven't, because I haven't been picked for the games, so I haven't had the chance to score any goals.
It seems a bit unfair, but then Sven G E was probably lining up another bird to hump on Tuesday night or maybe he was watching someone else (play football), so he wasn't there to see my stunning strikes, and neither were the cameras, which might have made all the difference, but probably his mind was made up anyway.
I guess playing with a bunch of mates rather than a top line European club doesn't help, but goals are goals in my book. Obviously Sven doesn't agree. I suppose he is the manager and he's entitled to his opinion, just like I am.
Obviously my face doesn't fit, and rather than let my own over inflated ego stand in the way of my patriotic duty, I think it's only fair to the other players and my vast popular following in the country to make it clear to the manager that I am no longer available for consideration for international duties, and remove any further pointless speculation amongst the media reptiles, so as not to get you excited for nothing.
I should further like to add that my decision has got nothing to do with my envy of Teddy Sheringham's ability to effortlessly string coherent sentences together and play football as well, whilst I seem to be unable to articulate my feelings in words on occasions, and prefer instead to sit quietly finking deep foughts, about how good I am.
So having failed to make the final 23 it seems that it's finally time to call it a day and spend more time with my family, where I am known as Igor Who? I can't really concentrate on maintaining my fitness levels, practice in the garden, cut the grass, drive to work every day and type silly e-mails and play for England so something has got to give, and now I am steadily approaching retirement age it's time to call it a day and focus on other things.
So cheerio, and come on you Argies. Oops sorry, no, I didn't mean that, it just slipped out. I hope the lads do really well in Japan without me. It's a great opportunity for one of the lesser strikers to make a name for themselves.
Bye Bye. I'm going now. I really am off, pretty soon. Cheerio then. Tara.
(Go on then, Foxtrot Oscar, we've got the message - Ed.)
Oh all right then, I will now. You'll be sorry. Never mind, I can have a nice holiday with the wife and kids. When I remember their names we'll get on great. I'm sure.
Cheers everyone.
Igor Wowk.
(England Caps = 1. I bought it last week. It's got three lions on and a neat thing at the back so you can adjust the size when your head grows bigger.)
Bye. I really am going this time. I know you'll want me to come back, but that's it, I won't now, even if I am asked, or the papers want me to, or the bloke walking his dog next to the 5-a-side pitch on Tuesday wants me to, but b*ll**ks, I won't now, in any case. Lastly I'll just say, you can blame Eriksson if you like, especially when the Argies whip us, but don't blame me mate. I hope I've made that clear, once and for all, for time immemorial. I've retired. Rocking chair here I come. Saga Holidays for me this summer.
Bye.
