Room 101 - Clarets Nightmares
Some personal Betes Noire by Jules
David Jones
How could anyone forget the big (I can even
touch the crossbar) coloured centre forward, who was Frank Casper’s first permanent
signing after he replaced Brian Miller in Jan 1989? He looked the perfect replacement for
Brendan O’Connell, who was suffering from a loss of form. He made his debut in a
fourth division encounter with Leyton Orient, but unfortunately Jones was completely out
of his depth, and in his four appearances Burnley failed to score a single goal. In fact,
they lost every single game he played in and he left us all with a lasting impression of
how bad a footballer he really was. I wish to send him into ROOM 101, especially because
on his return to Turf Moor with Doncaster Rovers he had an outstanding game in his new
role as centre half and scored the only goal of the game to once again assist Burnley to
defeat. As company for Mr Jones in ROOM 101 I think I’ll ask Dennis Peacock to join
him and compare notes on their glorious Claret performances.
Burnley 0 Hereford Utd 6
One of the many inept home performances of the
near disastrous season of 1986-87. This was the worst of many home defeats and is most
vivid in my memory, as by the time the fifth goal went in there were not many of us left
in the ground, and when we all started with a chorus of "we want six" it was a
last attempt to humour ourselves; this did go down well with traveling "hoards"
of Hereford supporters. This match was also memorable as it contained the entire football
career of the hapless unforgettable Tony Woodworth. The young goalkeeper was never to
feature in another Clarets game and was part of the mass clear out after the Orient win.
He tried a career in Australian football but failed down under and returned to play for
Nelson and Morecambe. He actually ended up on the beat. Be nice to Tony and let him in to
ROOM 101.
Martin Buchan
The appointment of Martin Buchan in the summer
of 1985 filled Burnley fans with hope. At the time of signing he was one of the biggest
and most respected names in football. He had a career at the top with Manchester Utd and
even lifted the FA Cup after their victory over Liverpool. Things started well for Martin,
with the Clarets getting to the Lancs Manx Cup Final on the back of a 7-0 thrashing of
Rochdale, only to lose to the B!+!$?DS, and his luck began to spiral downwards after that.
Buchan’s reign lasted only a total of 110 days and he never seemed to able to make
the transition from player to manager. Some of his signings only go to prove that he had
lost the plot - Mark Rhodes from Rotherham and Brian Chippendale from Halifax Town. Both
of these two star signings did not feature heavily during the rest of this season and were
both released at the end of the campaign, as should Mr Buchan be to the abyss of ROOM 101.
Air raid siren at Lincoln
City
This is one thing that is annoying about this
crappy little club. So desperate are Lincoln to score a goal, they try and distract the
opposition at all their set pieces with a variety of wailing, clanging and banging on
those bloody drums. This is a football club that will never hopefully progress out of the
third division, and if they do it should only be to ROOM 101 and nowhere else, except back
to the Vauxhall Conference. The only redeeming thing about Lincoln was the selection of
the town’s finest watering holes that we took in on Woody’s amazing GBG tour.
Although in the time I have been going to Sincil Bank, the ground has gone through a
transformation from average third division ground to non-league ground to concrete thrown
together 90's football ground, never have I witnessed such a pathetic attempt to put off
the opposition.
Julian Booth
February 2000
