Name that magazine
- Shakespearian style
Here are some suggestions for the London Clarets
magazine title with a Shakespearean flavour.
1 "MacTin"
Everyone will instantly recognise the story of a tragic Scottish
winger who wanders helplessly up "Hillsboroughs" and down "Port Vales"
in vain, only to find benches to sit on for excessive lengths of time, e.g. seventy to
ninety minutes on Saturdays.
2 "Midsummer
Day’s Nightmare"
This edition of the magazine includes the continuing saga of Jimmy
Mullen’s attempts to select eleven men who are not injured, suspended, sulking
because they want a transfer or on loan from another club in order to enjoy an all
expenses paid non-playing holiday in the picturesque Pennine town of Burnley.
3 "The Claret
Tempest"
In this edition of the magazine pull out song sheets are available.
They may only be utilised by inebriated loud voiced individuals and those whose vocabulary
includes numerous four letter words. The intention is to promote angry emotions in melodic
terms, thus conveying strong messages to deaf managers. In the case of any manager who
appears stone deaf, sign language may be the only alternative.
4 "Much Ado About
Nothing" (at Turf Moor and elsewhere)
This copy contains match reports from the 1994/95 season. At times
quite a lot was going on, usually in the Burnley penalty area, but no one wearing a Claret
and Blue shirt or a yellow away strip seemed worried about the consequences.
5 "The Claret
Winter’s Tale"
A desperate and tragic tale of the matches that took place been the
2nd of January and the 4th of March 1995. The first report, from Portsmouth, reveals
interesting information on playing in Arctic conditions. It points out that ice skates are
essential. Unfortunately, the Clarets left theirs’ at Turf Moor on this occasion. It
also states that it is advantageous for a goalkeeper to remain on the pitch for more than
twenty minutes. We all understand that Marlon only wanted to use his hands in order to
exercise his frost-bitten fingers. A most unfair dismissal.
6 "The Claret
Comedy of Errors"
This edition may be difficult to post as it could be as heavy as the
Encyclopaedia Britannica. London members must pick up their copies from Euston Station
suburban ticket offices.
7 "The Two
Gentlemen of Burnley"
A most moving tale of Jimmy Mullen and Clive Middlemass, whose
intentions were honourable in August 1994. However, euphoria quickly turned to deep
emotional grief by February 1995
8 "King Jimmy"
The story in this edition compares favourably with
Shakespeare’s King Lear, in which two parallel characters, King Lear and the Fool,
exchange roles. This quote from the play could well have been spoken by JM after the
Sunderland match in April:
"Blanket my loins, elf my hair in knots,
and with presented nakedness outface
the winds and persecutions of the sky.
This football game gives me proof and precedent
of Bedlam beggars who, with roaring voices (Longsiders),
strike in their numbed and mortified bare arms
pins, wooden pricks, nails, sprigs of rosemary,
and with this horrible object, from low farms,
poor pelting villages, sheep cotes and mills,
sometimes with lunatic bans (Sunderland supporters),
sometimes with prayers (Burnley supporters),
enforce their charity.
That’s something yet, I am nothing."
9 "Love’s
Labours Lost"
At Turf Moor, Ayresome Park, Boundary Park, Oakwell, Molineux, The
Hawthorns, Prenton Park, Vicarage Road, The Victoria Ground, Fratton Park, Meadow Lane,
Roots Hall, Bramall Lane, The Baseball Ground and Vale Park.
Could William Shakespeare be a posthumous Clarets supporter, West
Midlands branch?
Barbara and Joan Watson
August-September 1995
