As you may know, Burnley recently took the opportunity of the break from League football to play against a Money XI. Although billed as a friendly, with both parties to benefit from the game, things didn’t quite work out that way – and in fact, it soon transpired that the game had been arranged largely with saving Money in mind, with Burnley’s needs a mere afterthought. Still, I didn’t know this beforehand, of course, and so went along (armed with trusty pencil and pad) to report on events.
The first problem I had was gaining access to Turf Moor. When I got there, all was dark and quiet, and I thought for a moment that I’d got the wrong evening. However, I soon realised that it was dark because the floodlights were off. It was quiet because only a quarter of one stand was open, but once I found the one attended turnstile, I was quickly relieved of my £30 cash and found a reasonable place to stand (the seats being on loan at a local Rugby League ground). At this point I would have gone to the gents, and bought a pie and a drink, but the queues for the one bucket and the one vending machine were so long that I decided to do without. I did however buy a programme, but was disappointed that it cost nearly a fiver and consisted almost entirely of adverts.
Anyhow – back to the game. The teams ran out, and lined up as follows:
Burnley (naked, in the interests of economy): in goal was Kilby, Marlon having been loaned out to an ad agency for the remainder of the season. (The programme proudly announced that a contract had been secured for him to appear as the “Milk Tray Man” in a forthcoming series of adverts, with a role in “Emmerdale” a possibility for the future. Nik, of course, was still on loan at Rochdale.) The defence consisted of two ballboys, a cheerleader, and Gordon Armstrong, the usual first-teamers having been loaned out. The midfield contained Paul Cook – who had selfishly turned down another loan move – a local goat, a programme-seller and a winger from the girls’ team. Up front, we should have had two strikers, but Ian Moore was pushed back so that Watson could lead the line. Stan and Sam were away doing a job for Carlisle, so Jeppo took charge of things in their absence.
Money (gold shirts and shorts): Coyne was in goal. The defence consisted of P Pinching, P Sterling, A Varice and G Rasping. The five-man midfield featured Sales, Lownes and Fran Chise, along with the long-time central pairing of S Crimp and S Ave. Leading the line was the popular G Reed. The Money XI was managed for the evening by Paul Jewell.
The officials were dispensed with – as it explained in the programme, a costs / benefits analysis had been carried out, with the conclusion that they were a waste of money and irrelevant to the modern game.
It soon became clear that only a quarter of the pitch could be used for the match, as the remaining three-quarters was being turned into an ice-rink for the upcoming gala performance of “Holiday on Ice”. With no floodlights, it was very hard to see what was going on – but at least there was plenty of room to move about, as most of the Burnley faithful had been loaned to Reading to support their promotion push. Eventually, a few candles were lit, and I could see some of the action. Burnley were trying their best, but were hampered by a lack of quality, and, it has to be said, by a dodgy keeper. Indeed, throughout the game, Kilby seemed uncertain whether his heart lay with Burnley or with Money, and at times seemed to be playing for both sides.
At the other end of the pitch, things were no better. The two Moores were working hard, but failed to reappear for the second half. It was eventually announced that they had gone on loan to a little-known Australian team, to help with their battle against relegation. They were replaced by a member of the shop staff, plus that black cat you sometimes see running in front of the Jimmy Mac stand. And although apparently playing for Burnley, Watson seemed to be keen to help save Money at every opportunity – and it was to be from his error that Money eventually prevailed.
Watson tried to help out in defence, but was momentarily distracted by what he thought was some gold lying in the grass. He shouted to Kilby to go and pick it up – just at the moment when G Reed moved in for the kill. Kilby tried to get back, but ended up turning the ball into his own net for a spectacular own goal. The “gold” turned out to be iron pyrites, or “fool’s gold”, as it is sometimes known.
Burnley fought back gamely with their depleted squad, but as the game drew to an end, it was clear that Money had won out, with Kilby’s own goal proving costly. The text vote for man of the match was overwhelmingly in favour of G Reed, though Burnley supporters weren’t allowed to vote, as their opinions had been deemed irrelevant (and most of them were at Reading, anyway).
After the game, I popped into the Club Shop. There was plenty of merchandise on offer, including a couple of the playing squad, and a claret and blue parrot which repeated over and over “Blame Digital! Blame Digital!”. I then went into the Ticket Office, with the intention of renewing my season ticket (which had gone up again, in order to “keep the Club going in the right direction”), but was surprised to find that the office had been closed, and replaced with a firm of financial advisors called Fleesum & Runn. The clerk nearest the door explained that in future, the Club would be concentrating on financial issues, and would be gradually running down the football side of things. He explained that another costs / benefits analysis had shown that football only served to get in the way of real, i.e. fiscal, progress. Burnley FC would continue to exist, of course, but would be renamed “Burnley Financial Consortium”, as a means of clarifying its new strategy. A new logo is to replace the former Club crest, and the new organisation’s motto will henceforth be Show me the money.
