Twaddle hits out again
Blistering
Soccer legend Chris Twaddle yesterday launched a blistering attack on
everything he hasn’t already criticised.
Speaking in an interview for Channel Five’s Nasty Neighbours programme
from his luxury penthouse at Burnley’s fashionable Quays, football’s jinking
wizard of the wing lashed out at everybody in the whole world.
Bastards
"I’ll tell you who really gets my goat," seethed the soccer
sage. "My bloody neighbours. Bastards the lot of them. Don’t like me playing my
music. Fools. Don’t they know early 1980’s soft rock is the very pinnacle of
popular music?"
"I’m finding out who my friends are quickly - and we
haven’t got many in the luxury development. Nobody will be attracted here, whether
buyers or tenants, when residents respond like that. I’ve heard they’ve got a
petition up to get me out of here. Well, let ‘em. In fact, if they don’t want
Chris Twaddle here, just tell them to sing it and I’ll get out of the way. Of
course," He chortled, "I won’t be able to hear it over the noise of Van
Halen!"
Sticks
Twaddle went on to single out the elderly and infirm for particular
criticism.
"They piss me off," commented football’s Mr Showbiz,
"they really do. With their wheelchairs and sticks, getting in the way. Hanging about
in Post Offices collecting their pensions and queuing up in supermarkets for small amounts
of food. What these people have to bear in mind is that they used to be fit, but that was
years ago. They don’t have a divine right to carry on living."
Twaddle then focussed his attack on homeless people.
Embarrassment
"The homeless are an embarrassment and they want to take a good
hard look at themselves," asserted the thrusting ace. "I never give money to
beggars, it only encourages them. I walk straight past. I try my best every week and I'm
not bothered about them. Why should I respond to the homeless?"
"Small children as well," Twaddle went on, "I tell you.
All those stupid toys, like rattles and tamogatchis. If that’s the road they want to
go down, they’re welcome to it, but it’s not going to get them a major job in
television at the World Cup this summer is it?"
Plants
At this point, the soccer whizzkid having finally paused for breath, he
was asked if there was anyone or anything he didn’t criticise. He thought long and
hard.
"Well, there’s myself, of course. I'm great, me. Apart from
that, though, nothing really. Nope. Hang on - Lee Hooey. Now he’s alright. Fine man.
Chinese bloke. Comes in to do the gardens. He’s equally at home at the front, on the
lawn, or at the back, in the patio area. Now, Lee’s got his critics with these
so-called residents round here. They say he keeps trying to water the plants but misses.
Well let me tell you, you couldn’t ask for a more committed gardener. Getting on a
gardener’s back won’t make him a better gardener."
Chris Twaddle is 87 years old.
