This website has occasionally been accused of being obsessed with Watford. Not true. It's just that we find them so amusing. In every respect - the town, the manager, the websites that call us Neanderthals - we find it impossible to take Watford seriously. Simply, Watford make us laugh.
Wednesday night added a further hilarious chapter. As usual, Luca's sophisticates rolled over and gave us the points. It's clearly the continental way to offer such hospitality, and us cave-dwelling lesser forms of life can only grunt our thanks for their philanthropy.
Apart from the match, I was captivated by the centre pages of Watford's highly yellow programme, The Buzz. There, under the headline Hornets in Harmony, are offered the words to a number of songs in praise of Vialli's Golden Shower. Needless to say, Watford's cosmopolitan elite would never lower themselves to something as uncouth as actually singing any of these songs. In fact, as we understand it, it's quite the done thing among the cognoscenti to slope off minutes before the end when the game's still alive. Given this, it's likely that our travelling army of Claret caveman may have emerged from the grand surroundings of the Stadio della Vicarage unaware that these songs exist. After all, most of us can't read, can we? Purely for the purposes of poking fun, therefore, we reproduce the following selections.
Curious, but most of the songs on offer seem to be about the manager. Par example:
Say Ooh Ahh Gianluca, Say
Ooh Ahh Gianluca
Say Ooh Ahh Gianluca, Say
Ooh Ahh Gianluca
Easy enough, although clearly if they didn't provide the words it would be a tricky one to master. Helpfully, they tell us that we should sing this 'to the tune of Ohh (eh?) Ahh Cantona. And try running that lot through a spellchecker.
Similarly straightforward is a tune which doesn't have a name, but I suspect it may be called 'Super Alan Neilsen':
Super, Super Al
Super, Super Al
Super, Super Al
Super Alan Neilsen
(Repeat)
Thank heavens for that (Repeat), for otherwise what would people do when they reached the end? See also:
We all love
Luca's Super Yellow Team
Super Yellow Team
Super Yellow Team
(Repeat)
Wherein the terrace chant's debt to the Beatles is duly acknowledged. But confusingly, it doesn't say how many times you're supposed to repeat it. Come on, we need some guidance! If you don't spell these things out with clarity, how are people supposed to know what to do? For example, we could go on singing about Tommy Smith for the rest of all time:
Tommy Smith, Tommy Smith
Tommy, Tommy Smith
He gets the ball and scores a goal
Tommy, Tommy Smith
(Repeat)
Hang on, there wasn't anything about Luca in that last song. Quickly, let's get back on track:
Just one Vialli
Give him to me
He will lead Watford
To victory
Although, on the basis of the way they've been playing this season, I think on balance I'd rather have a Cornetto. And then, there's this:
And it's High Ho, Vialli's Army
Everywhere we go, oh baby
I love to see the hornets scoring
Here at Vicarage Road
Cos it's obvious
I particularly like the ending. Cos it's obvious. Well, it is obvious, isn't it? Slightly less obvious is the following ditty. I have tried translating this into several continental languages and fed it through the famed Enigma machine, but still it makes no sense whatsoever:
If God was to play for the Watford
If God was to win us the cup
If God was to play for the Watford
He would be Vernazza dressed up
Dressed up, dressed up
He would be Vernazza dressed up
Uh? Clearly, this is just too complex for us stupid Burnley fans to understand. We can only look on in awe, our mouths agape. Quickly, we must retreat to something that should be close to our cavemen hearts, based as it is on the tune to the Flintstones:
Watford, Watford FC
We're the greatest team in history
From the town of Watford
We've got Elton John and Vialli
And who could possibly argue with that? Of course, as well as the inevitable mention of Lucky Luca, we were never going to get through a whole couple of pages of the programme without the name of Watford's only famous supporter cropping up. Perhaps Elton, who recently did even more to cheer us up by promising not to release any more records, had a hand in our final opus, which we repeat in all its lunatic glory. Is it just me, or does this number, to the tune of 'Can't Take My Eyes Offa You' carry more than a frisson of homoeroticism? Onwards:
We're just too good to be true
We just can't stop scoring against you
You feel like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At last a goal has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
We're just too good to be true
I can't take my eyes off you
Pardon the way that I cheer
There's nothing else to compare
The sight of you leaves me week
There are no words left to speak
So Watford feel like I feel
And I don't have to know if it's real
We're just too good to be true
We can't stop scoring against you
Badadada etc
I love you Watford
And if it's quite all right
I need you Watford to warm a lonely night
I love you Watford
Trust in me when we sing
Oh Luca Vialli
Don't please don't frown
Oh Luca Vialli
Now that I've found this day
So let me love you Watford
Let me love you
We're just too good to be true
We just can't stop scoring against you
You feel like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At last a goal has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
We're just too good to be true
I can't take my eyes off you
Badadada etc
What can we possibly say about that? It's all there - Watford keeping you warm on a lonely night, the mandatory reference to Vialli, the fact that Watford just can't stop scoring (but of course) and the undeniable truth that this is all, simply, 'just too good to be true'. Of course it is. I particularly like the subtle poetry of the line 'So Watford feel like I feel'. And yes, it really does say 'Badadada etc'.
Oh, but it's too easy to mock though, isn't it? Well, yes it is, but that doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't do it anyway. This bizarre hymn sheet for a silent choir provides yet another reason why I cannot take Watford seriously. Apparently they're thinking of using the big screen as a 'karaoke monitor'. I don't need to say a word.
It's not even the only thing in the programme that points to the fact that this a joke club we're talking about. There's the mission statement, the reference to Vialli as 'Football Manager' and the schedule of pre-match entertainment. Oh yes, 'this evening's agenda of pre-match music and entertainment' is there too:
7.20 - The current No.1 song, which is Hero by Enrique Iglesias
7.25 - The Hornets take to the field for their pre-match warm-up
7.30 - The evening's team news
7.35 - My Sweet Lord by George Harrison [presumably not in person], No. 1 tune on this day in 1971 when we beat Sheffield Wednesday 3-0 at Vicarage Road with two goals from Billy Jennings, the other scored by Roy Sinclair
7.45 - A second run-through of this evening's team news
7.55 - Build up to kick-off begins
And unfortunately for them, then the match started. Makes me laugh.
