So, the predictable and depressing news from Turf Moor is that Burnley will once again be spending pre-season on the Isle of Man. As in the last two summers, we will be participating in the absurdly named Isle of Man Steam Packet International Football Festival. Forgive me if I don’t cheer.
Does anyone know why we have to keep going there? What can be the point? It’s boring. The Isle of Man itself is a place the amusement value of which is easily exhausted, but even if we were playing somewhere interesting, the novelty would wear off if we went there year after year.
Does the club not understand that a key function of pre-season friendlies is to give supporters a chance to go somewhere different? What we want from the summer is something new to do, surely. This will increasingly be the case as we consolidate our position as a first division club whose safety is not in doubt. For example, this season, for the first time ever, I had been to every ground before a ball was kicked. Sure, we will keep going again, but is it asking too much to crave a little bit of exotica every now and then? Can't we hold out the hope of seeing the Clarets occasionally turn out in a weird and wonderful place?
The Isle of Man is weird, but certainly not wonderful. Still, to prove the power that novelty value has, I went there the first time we re-entered the competition, in the summer of 2000. I know we’d done it before sometime in the 1980s, but for Clarets of my generation this was something new. You could see that in the large following Burnley attracted. Some went over for one match, while some chose to spend a week's holiday there, though even at the time I thought that sounded like stretching it.
Well, I'm not going back. What I thought would be a jolly jaunt turned out to be a miserable couple of wasted days. Simply, I tried Douglas, and I didn’t like it. In fact, I hated the place. It’s small, drab and behind the times. It’s a backwater, and boy, it feels like it. It was like drinking in the 1950s. Rationing may still be in operation. Have these people ever seen a banana? Okay, so I exaggerate, and yes, the cliché about Douglas being awful but the rest of the island being quite pleasant holds some water. But then, almost all the games are played in Douglas, so that is where you spend your time.
I might not going back, but I can’t believe the team are either. Are we going to play here year upon year? It’s not even as though we do that well. Basically, if we don’t win the thing, what’s the point in going? We’re easily the biggest fish in a very small pond. The tiddlers we’re up against next summer are Wrexham, Darlington, Luton, Rochdale and, of course, the Isle of Man itself. Yes, that word ‘international’ is about as accurate as expecting to travel there on a steam packet. Basically, if we don’t knock this rabble over and win by several streets, what is the point in participating?
Even if we do, what do we learn from facing such mediocre opposition?
Looking at that list of teams, one name sticks out: Burnley. Against lower division opposition (and worse in the case of the Isle of Man team), here is a club up the top end of the first division. Where are our contemporaries? Why are we slumming it? It seems to me that we are lending this competition our glamour. Take us out of it and what is left? Who would replace us, and what division would they come from?
It isn't just the Isle of Man, though. Who else will we play in the summer? Chances are, it will be drab premier league sides at home. Everton again, anyone? If KK Man City go up and we don't, do we start playing them again? Do these games excite people? I can't understand the point of playing any pre-season matches at home anyway. We play at home at least 23 times a season. Isn't it more interesting to go somewhere else?
The only pre-season match last summer that caused a flicker of interest was the planned game at Shrewsbury. Hey, it's been a few years. And then they cancelled that in favour of a home match!
The club is rightly proud of the Claret diaspora. Visit the Worldwide Clarets section of the Clarets Mad website for proof that there are indeed Clarets all over the world. The pre-season should offer an opportunity for the club to take itself around this diaspora. Why not play a game or two in the south west, or Wales, or Scotland? Burnley supporters who live in those necks of the wood would get a rare chance to see their team on their territory. The rest of us would have an opportunity to go somewhere a bit different for a couple of days.
The only interesting pre-season thing we've done in the era of Stan was when he first took over. We went down to Devon, a nice part of the world, where we don't often play these days. Dawlish was lovely, a fine and friendly town. London Clarets went for the day. People from Burnley stopped for a weekend. A fine time was had by all.
Of course, even if we went to Dawlish every year the lure of the place would fade. Fewer people would go a second or third time. These are the diminishing returns we're seeing from the Isle of Man. The first time, lots of us went because it was something a bit new. There was a good number of London Clarets there at various stages. But of the people I know who went the first time, I think only one went again last summer. The announcement that we are to play there a third time running was met with groans.
Give us novelty, give us something esoteric, and give us something more than a game. On the rare occasions I go to pre-season friendlies, I am reminded why I don't generally bother the instant the match kicks off. The football doesn't matter, the atmosphere's like a cricket match, the players aren't fit, you're not bothered if the opposition score, and Stan takes eleven players off at half time. Time passes slowly at these games. The match alone is not enough. Give us more!
Besides this, there's the fact that other clubs manifestly think bigger.
We are not rubbing shoulders with fellow first division sides on the Isle of Man.
In relation to this, I can do no more than point you to Phil Whalley's excellent article of last summer.
Click here to read it. Phil sums it up perfectly. It's about how the club perceives itself, and how it represents itself in public. We should be thinking, and acting, bigger.
The Isle of Man competition is parochial. It's small, and it makes us look small by being there. Still, this counts for nothing, because clearly, Stan likes it. Bury used to go there every year as well. Perhaps he had a really good holiday there when we was a kid. But in the 21st Century, why can't be do something decent? Why not go to Sweden like big clubs do? (I admit a creeping urge to go to Sweden.)
Even France or Belgium, a mere ferry or train ride away, would be something. We might learn something by playing a different sort of opposition. We might even spot a player or too. And, of course, the supporters might just have a very good time of it.
Still, always aware of the club's eye for a bargain, as we seen set on going there every summer, I can recommend a very good 'everything for a Pound' shop in Douglas.
